Philosophy Major Discovers Pre-Rolled Cigarettes
AUSTIN – University of Texas philosophy senior Andre Martin has recently discovered the existence of pre-rolled cigarettes conveniently located at the 7-Eleven near his apartment. Martin claims to have...
View ArticleGrandmother Declares Victory After Finding Final Classmate In The Obits
PENSACOLA – Last Thursday, grandmother Eunice Clemons declared victory after locating the last of her high school classmates in the obituary section of the local newspaper. “My grandkids all watch...
View ArticleKevin James Causes Chris Farley To Struggle To Roll Over In His Grave
MADISON, WI – The deceased body of Chris Farley is attempting to turn itself face down inside its grave as a sign of disgust in having been replaced as America’s most lovable, overweight comedian by...
View ArticleCake Batter Beaten, Eaten Mercilessly
TORONTO – Reporters and law enforcement personnel were shocked as they entered the suburban home of Heloise Rogers last night, where the 44-year-old widow admitted to mercilessly beating and eating an...
View ArticleAncient Climate Change Denier Found In Ice Pack
OSLO – Archaeologists digging in northern Norway inadvertently discovered a climate change-denying Paleolithic-era Homo sapiens trapped within an Arctic glacier. “We were digging for Viking...
View ArticleSigner Ruins Kings of Leon For Deaf Concert Goers
AUSTIN – Hearing-impaired concert goers left a Kings of Leon concert at the Frank Erwin Center Thursday night feeling thoroughly betrayed after the concert signer conveyed the band’s lyrics to the...
View ArticleBreakfast Tacos Redeem Absent Mother
AUSTIN – Mary Howard’s years of neglect for her children were absolved yesterday when she brought home a bag of chorizo and egg tacos for a family breakfast. As soon as Howard’s 11-year-old son, Ryan...
View ArticleDryer Buzzer Ignored By Biased Liberal Media
Image Creative Commons WASHINGTON – The blatantly biased liberal media once again denied Americans access to important news coverage this week when National Public Radio, The Atlantic, and Reuters News...
View ArticleStudy Finds Sex Is Better When You Look Me In The Eyes, Steve
Photo Creative CommonsSEATTLE – In a study that has been conducted at this residence over the past couple years, it has been shown that intercourse would be much more gratifying for both of us if you...
View ArticleIran Nuked Twice For Flinching
Photo Creative CommonsWASHINGTON – Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta announced that the United States has fired two nuclear-armed intercontinental ballistic missiles at Iran just for flinching....
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