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Philosophy Major Discovers Pre-Rolled Cigarettes

AUSTIN – University of Texas philosophy senior Andre Martin has recently discovered the existence of pre-rolled cigarettes conveniently located at the 7-Eleven near his apartment. Martin claims to have...

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Grandmother Declares Victory After Finding Final Classmate In The Obits

PENSACOLA – Last Thursday, grandmother Eunice Clemons declared victory after locating the last of her high school classmates in the obituary section of the local newspaper. “My grandkids all watch...

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Kevin James Causes Chris Farley To Struggle To Roll Over In His Grave

MADISON, WI – The deceased body of Chris Farley is attempting to turn itself face down inside its grave as a sign of disgust in having been replaced as America’s most lovable, overweight comedian by...

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Cake Batter Beaten, Eaten Mercilessly

TORONTO – Reporters and law enforcement personnel were shocked as they entered the suburban home of Heloise Rogers last night, where the 44-year-old widow admitted to mercilessly beating and eating an...

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Ancient Climate Change Denier Found In Ice Pack

OSLO – Archaeologists digging in northern Norway inadvertently discovered a climate change-denying Paleolithic-era Homo sapiens trapped within an Arctic glacier. “We were digging for Viking...

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Signer Ruins Kings of Leon For Deaf Concert Goers

AUSTIN – Hearing-impaired concert goers left a Kings of Leon concert at the Frank Erwin Center Thursday night feeling thoroughly betrayed after the concert signer conveyed the band’s lyrics to the...

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Breakfast Tacos Redeem Absent Mother

AUSTIN – Mary Howard’s years of neglect for her children were absolved yesterday when she brought home a bag of chorizo and egg tacos for a family breakfast. As soon as Howard’s 11-year-old son, Ryan...

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Dryer Buzzer Ignored By Biased Liberal Media

Image Creative Commons WASHINGTON – The blatantly biased liberal media once again denied Americans access to important news coverage this week when National Public Radio, The Atlantic, and Reuters News...

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Study Finds Sex Is Better When You Look Me In The Eyes, Steve

Photo Creative CommonsSEATTLE – In a study that has been conducted at this residence over the past couple years, it has been shown that intercourse would be much more gratifying for both of us if you...

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Iran Nuked Twice For Flinching

Photo Creative CommonsWASHINGTON – Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta announced that the United States has fired two nuclear-armed intercontinental ballistic missiles at Iran just for flinching....

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